


Torn

by sugarandspace



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Background Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Forgiveness, Gen, Guilt, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:15:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24524461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarandspace/pseuds/sugarandspace
Summary: So he stands at the doorway, tense as a board and guilty beyond measure. There’s a constant fight going on in his mind about whether to leave or stay, so he remains at the doorway, where he’s able to see Alec but as far away from him as he can be.Jace's thoughts in the infirmary after 3x10.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 6
Kudos: 107





	Torn

**Author's Note:**

> I've been filled with Jace feels lately and had to get some of them out :D

Jace stands at the doorway and stares at the scene in front of him. He can’t take his eyes away from his unconscious parabatai and the bandage that’s wrapped around his chest.

Jace is seconds away from fleeing the room, of running as far away from Alec as he can go. He doesn’t deserve to be here, doesn’t deserve to be near Magnus who gave up so much only to come back to witness Jace sinking an arrow to Alec’s chest. Jace should be far away from them both, somewhere he can’t hurt anyone.

But at the same time, he needs to stay. He needs to see with his own eyes that Alec is fine, and he needs to stay in case something goes wrong, and he has to help. He’s not sure how he could help, but he’s not going to abandon Alec. He needs to be here.

So he stands at the doorway, tense as a board and guilty beyond measure. There’s a constant fight going on in his mind about whether to leave or stay, so he remains at the doorway, where he’s able to see Alec but as far away from him as he can be.

Magnus is sitting next to the bed, holding Alec’s uninjured hand and whispering something to him. Jace can’t hear the words but he’s glad, he knows those words don’t belong to his ears anyway.

Jace doesn’t remember when was the last time he’s been this still. He doesn’t know how much time has passed or what time it is, all he knows is that he should probably feel tired. He should be tired and he should be sore but it all has been buried under the intense feeling of guilt. Guilt for almost killing Alec and guilt for killing all those mundanes and guilt for bringing Clary right to Lilith. They wouldn’t be in this mess if it wasn’t for him, and Jace wishes it would have been him instead of Clary, or it would have been him that was nearly killed on that alley.

Alec doesn’t deserve this, those mundanes didn’t deserve what they got, and Clary didn’t deserve what happened to her.

Jace doesn’t think there’s a punishment that would fit all his crimes.

He’s taken from his spiraling thoughts by a cough that comes from the bed. Jace focuses back to the present and sees that Alec is opening his eyes. Magnus is upright in a second, standing next to the bed, ready to help Alec if needed.

Jace feels glued to the floor and filled with nerves.

“Magnus,” Alec says quietly when he spots his boyfriend. Magnus nods, visibly relieved to see Alec awake and talking. The two talk in hushed voices for a while until Magnus steps to the side and turns to look at Jace, who Alec is also able to see now.

The urge to bolt from the room has never felt stronger.

“Jace,” Alec says.

Jace feels like crying.

When he doesn’t make a move to walk closer to the bed, Alec tries again.

“Jace,” he repeats. “Come here.”

Jace feels so torn and his legs refuse to move. He wants to go to Alec, but he also wants to leave this situation and hide somewhere where no one can find him and where he can curl up and let all these horrible thoughts finally take him over.

When Jace still doesn’t move, Alec tries to push himself up into a sitting position. He sucks in a sharp breath and grimaces after he has lifted himself barely an inch from the bed, and Magnus rushes to guide him back down.

Jace takes a step forward and reaches towards the bed, worried Alec will seriously hurt himself if he keeps moving.

Alec lies back down but keeps looking at Jace, and he reaches his hand towards him.

“Please.”

And who is Jace to deny Alec anything after what he’s put him through?

The guilt feels so strong Jace might very well throw up but he walks so he’s close enough to hold Alec’s hand, and Alec uses what little strength he has to pull him even closer. Tears well up in Jace’s eyes as he looks Alec in the eyes. He sees no judgement there, no anger, or blame.

“It’s okay,” Alec says. Jace goes to pull his hand away and step back but Alec holds tighter. “Jace, it’s okay.”

And that’s when the tears fall.

Jace isn’t even worried that Magnus is there with them, witnessing him at his weakest. He doesn’t care, because he can see it in Alec’s expression and hear it in his words that he truly means what he’s saying. 

It does very little to lessen the guilt Jace feels, but it means the world to hear that Alec doesn’t blame him.

He doesn’t feel like he can accept this easy way out Alec is offering, so he opens his mouth and takes a deep breath in before he speaks.

“Alec-”

“No,” Alec interrupts him. “We can talk more later, when we’ve both rested and had time to process things. But you need to know that I don’t blame you. I never could. None of what happened is your fault. What was done to you was awful, and I can’t even imagine how you must have felt, or how you feel now. But you need to know, Jace, my parabatai, that I don’t blame you. No one does. I’m sorry I didn’t notice it sooner.”

Jace is shaking his head as Alec finishes his small speech. 

“No,” Jace says, his voice sounding wrecked. “You don’t have to apologize either.”

Alec gives him a small smile.

“Okay,” he says. “I’m serious though. I’m not letting you deal with this on your own. I want to talk with you. Will you visit me tomorrow? After you’ve at least tried to sleep? You look like you’re about to collapse.”

Jace nods, not managing a smile even though Alec is trying to lighten the situation.

Alec squeezes his hand tighter for a moment before letting it go.

“Goodnight Jace,” Magnus says when Jace turns to leave the room. Jace turns back to look at him.

“You too,” he says. “You two should try to get some sleep too. And take care of him, will you?”

Magnus nods in reply, before sitting back to the chair that had been vacated after Alec woke up.

The urge to run and hide is still strong, but after the talk he had with Alec he doesn’t feel as hopeless. If Alec doesn’t hate him or blame him, there’s hope.

So he does as he promised and goes to his room, getting ready for a night that will most likely be plagued by nightmares.

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> You can find me from [tumblr](https://sugarandspace.tumblr.com) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/sugarandspace_)!


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